i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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