do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
