Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
