you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
why does every cop we meet know your name?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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