i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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