I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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