Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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