I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
