My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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