Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
