I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
