pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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