Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
