Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
