Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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