Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
