I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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