Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
