My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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