She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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