Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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