i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
