did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I understand Curling. That high.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
