I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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