I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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