boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
