happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
