Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
