Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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