i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
