i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
