my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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