he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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