Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
