My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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