judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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