the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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