Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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