So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
