I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
