wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
