apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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