Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
