remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
