well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
