I hate all girls vehemently.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
