Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
