Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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