i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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