Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
