My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
